Iyanla Vanzant; Not the Best Choice to Facilitate Healing Between DMX and Son Xavier

I love Iyanla Vanzant, "God Knows I Do..." But for reasons obvious to most men, she was NOT the best choice to effectively facilitate healing between Earl Simmons (DMX) and his son Xavier. And while I do know that there are many instances where the sex of a facilitator doesn't matter, in this one I would argue that it does/did.

Although Earl is technically a man of more than forty years, inside, struggling to reconcile his pain, there appears to also be a boy of seven years, still waiting at the living room window for an absent mother's return with hugs, kisses and perhaps even a series of apologies and explanations for the years she had abandoned and abused him.

Anyone that witnessed their reunion on Couples Therapy would have immediately recognized the resentment and abandonment he still felt toward his mom, falling to pieces at her sight, appearing to revert to his boyhood in a subconscious attempt to capture some of the endearments he had missed while in institutions, but still longed for as the internationally acclaimed writer, musician and actor.

Earl also alleged that his mother, the woman charged with protecting him, was abusive toward him, braiding together extension cords to whip him as he slept. When asked what he wanted from their reunion, Earl said, "I just want to be able to say hi, you know? Mommy. You know, I love you."

And anyone who has ever been abandoned by a parent understood that his mother's unemotional apology, though likely the best she could offer, certainly was not enough to heal him or their relationship.

We also learned on Couples Therapy, where another woman attempted to facilitate healing between Earl and his wife, that Earl simply is not ready to trust, hear, respect or learn from women, particularly when their approaches seemed accusatory and callous. Earl has "mommy issues," and a woman pointing fingers in his face to remind him just how screwed up he is, clearly wasn't the best approach. 

The facts are:

• Earl already knows that he's an addict, so pointing this out on international television while he is already defensive, scared and vulnerable, does nothing positive toward his healing.

• He already knows that he's "currently" experiencing a challenging emotional, physical and psychological space, so perhaps here is where we remind him that there is ALWAYS light at the end of the tunnel, and that he is still loved and appreciated. And that his accomplishments in the face of adversity are historical and benefited all people, but most specifically, people of color, poor folks, and anyone facing adversity.

• He already knows that he hasn't been a good father, so reminding him of all of his paternal shortcomings does what? Whether comfortable or not for us to accept, he was the best Earl Simmons he could have been at any given moment.

Bludgeoning men with even factual information across our heads  doesn't work as a tool of healing
for most, specifically black men who are serial runners, escapees, abusers, addicts, etc. Most ironic is our push for Brother Earl to stop the very actions (good or bad) that led him to paramount success. Clearly, at one point we didn't mind it.

Clear to me is that Earl likely projected all of his feelings of anger, hurt, resentment and confusion onto Iyanla, but she must bear some of the responsibility. Her approach, in my opinion, was pretty cold and almost condescending. As The Good Sister Iyanla spoke to Earl, that her efforts were well-intended was undeniable, but I found myself wishing her approach had been different. I mean, like it or not, encouraging healing through guilt chases many men away, deeper into hiding, depression, shame and feelings of failure. It does.

For example, implying that God was not with him as he was getting high was, in my opinion, spiritually irresponsible. Whether we are Buddhist, Muslim, Christian, etc., most of us believe that we are always one with The Almighty. In fact, in my days of poor actions and decision making, I was most conscious of my inseparable connection with The Holy One. There were times when God appeared in my darkness so profoundly that I wanted him/her gone; but she wouldn't leave. But those were my personal times with the God in me, whether folks understand/agree or not.

Also, I found her decision to praise Xavier for rejecting his father's love incredibly damaging. My father, like Earl, was an unapologetic, drug addicted, absent father. He called me faggots and bitches, all while claiming he couldn't have fathered me. He gave me detailed accounts of his sexual relationship with my mother, and made jokes about how he made one of my sisters smoke weed with him when she was nine. He tormented me and even today, I am still recovering.

But, on February 3, 2001, the day my own son was born, I looked into his eyes and immediately felt something I'd never felt before. My son and I locked eyes and I knew I loved him more than water or air. I saw God, myself and my father in him, and I wanted him. I recognized that my father had never felt that miraculous joy, and I felt sorry for and forgave him. I realized that his absence, addiction, and hurtful words, contrary to what I had always believed, really had nothing to do with me. I saw God in my father and willingly loved him just the way he came, although I now maintain control of the dynamic of our relationship.

To take GOD away from hurt men that are already questioning their worth, purpose, sanity, health, abilities and all of the other things we question in times of darkness, is taking life from him.

Other men usually understand the necessity to respect and meet each other right where we are, rather than in some imaginary place we wish the other could be conscious of. Men typically understand how heavy failure is on the male psyche; but to be failures in the eyes of our sons is often unbearable. Many fathers never recover after having failed our sons, spending our lives avoiding confrontation with those whom we gave life.

Whether those who are labeled  good dads or moms understand this phenomenon or not, truth is that many failing fathers find it far "easier" to stay away than to look their sons (and daughters) in the eyes and receive proclamations of their disappointed in us. And angry mothers who salt our wounds to make themselves feel better, are paramount in father absence. Like Earl admitted, "I didn't know what I was doing...You're my baby. Always be my baby."

Ironically we live in a society where we practice rewarding poor behavior, which ultimately negatively impacts our people. And as Earl was mistreating women, using drugs and being an absent father, WE continued to buy his records. He continued to dazzle us on music awards shows and on the big screen.

Today, even our most educated sisters give teeny-boppers runs for their money twerking to "Bands to Make her Dance;" Brothers with professional and advanced degrees (even in divinity) fight tooth-and-nail for acceptance into that band of brothers bound by misogyny, substance abuse, homophobia and violence--all of this as we scratch our heads wondering what happened to our fathers and uncles, why our sons are killing each other, and why our daughters are "giving it up" to unworthy candidates.

As I stated earlier, DMX, like most (drug) addicted people, already understands his shortcomings. Ironically, he likely continues to "use" to escape the feelings failure bring upon him.

But for anyone who really wants to know the truth, check this out;

Black men heal when we can acknowledge that in America, we can understand how any brother could have made the same mistakes others have made.

We recover healthily when our loved ones remember that our steps, too, were ordered, and that even out of the messes we've made, their is still hope for full spiritual, mental and physical recovery!

Brothers reclaim hope when we Truly believe that even the abuse we've inflicted on ourselves and others is forgivable. When we are encouraged to remember that God has never left us and is always willing to give us second chances, even when they are the hundredth second chance and the world has lost all faith in us.

I am of the mindset that, while Mother Iyanla operated out of the purist intentions,  it is more likely than not that a wise, spiritually-rooted Elder Male will be the one to reach Earl. personally, I believe that The Honorable Minister  Louis Farrakhan is the man for this job. But it could as easily be Steve Harvey, TD Jakes, Denzel Washington, an uncle or cousin, or an elder walking past him on the street.

I love Iyanla, but she should probably back off of this one.

Lovingly and Respectfully submitted,

DW