I Hate Selfies; Especially Taking Them!

I hate taking selfies. Doing so is the worst thing I’ve ever endeavored; worse than trying to look cool in a club while being 40; worse than deciding, against the disapproving cries of family and friends, that nothing will stop you from wearing that ole pair of pants you bought from Banana Republic last year—you know the ones that give you a muffin top…and you’re a man? (No, “I had a baby,” or “I’m on my period,” excuses for you, Sir! Man up, yo! Man up!)

Taking selfies makes you look for your most attractive side, which is a grim reminder that all of your sides are no longer "good". And that loss you feel(for those of us who believe that we ONCE, indeed, were attractive) is tragic. And depressing. And, ugh… just ugh!

So, it’s selfie time, because I’m thinking, “Eh, I kinda look…uh…cute right now?” Incessantly, I search my home for the best lighting, looking for sun beams through the window or that dear shadow that may cast a tree branch across my face—everyone knows that selfies using flashes totally suck.

But I can’t find good natural lighting inside, so (of course), I use the flash, which makes my nose look like two noses (and hair has the freaking nerve to grow out of my nose. NO!  NOT THE NOSTRILS, which produce lengthy gray hairs--the actual nose.

 

Of course, now, I have to change shirts, because I’m going outside, and it’s, uh, chilly. I stand on my front porch (I happen to live on a main street), and drivers-by sniggle and grin a little as they notice me failing repeatedly at capturing that perfect selfie.  But shamefully, this un-epic epic gets worse.

Now, the light is too revealing, and the way I’m standing makes me look as if I have man-boobs and a lazy eye!  So (of course), I turn to one of my sides and snap away. and with great hope, I think to myself, “That was it! I know it was,” Only have my bubble of surety shattered with a review of the pic; yup, LET THERE BE a ring of chalk around his lips and a teensy piece of cold resting in the corner of my eye.

I clean up, lotion down and try again, confronting the following insecurities:

• Damn, I look fat.

• Ooh, I look sad.

• Is that how I look?

• When did I get bags under my eyes? 

• You mean my hair will “never” grow back?

• WHY ARE MY NOSE HAIRS THAT LONG???!!!

Selfies suck, and whenever I see them, I know that my FaceBook friends likely faced the same challenges I did in capturing my "good" selfie. 

Now, this is the worse part; the implication in taking a selfie at all is that on this moment, in this outfit, we thought we looked pretty darn amazing and wanted to prove to the world that we still got “it”. 

But, the epic-fail in this notion is the horrible reality that “If this pic get less than 10 likes, I must destroy it and fight depression. So, I hate taking selfies!